I'm in love with a brick wall.

you'd think if someone loved you more than anyone else in the world they would stop doing the one thing that breaks your heart. the one thing that made you leave in the first place. yet it didn't phase you at all. how I felt one again didn't matter. not even the fact that I left made you second think it. you continue to push me farther and father into a shell of genuine shit. I hate myself and it has nothing to do with self esteem. no words can explain how I feel. not that it matters because you don't care. don't care don't care don't care. and that's what hurts the most.

This is fact not fiction, for the first time in years.

Fuckin' aliens.

Leia cooked for me tonight and a bunch of people took care of me, which was fucking awesome, because I obviously cannot do this by myself. I guess that makes me a puss. Whatever.


So let's talk about how super stoked I am to start my diet! I plan on losing 15 to 20 pounds, strictly veget-tables and chicken. Plus there is a 24 hour gym around here. Fuck yeah. I want to be a bagabones, that way i could wear a fucking trash bag and still look good. Pretty sad but that's my goal in life as of currently. To look sexy in a trash bag? Way to go Nikki.

OH! and dying my hair this color!



Probably a bad idea considering my hair just got healthy like two days ago. Fuck it. Hey, Bleach, you had me at "Hello".


The wind outside is ridic. Theres holes in two of my windows, and ironicly those widnows are smack dab right next to my bed. This should be a pleasent night. I also have no idea how to hook up my teevee, and the power is about to go out. AWESOME!

I'm torn between everything. I fucking hate this. The one thing that's keeping me remotely sane is thinking that maybe one day my life will sound like this song.



A SOLID SOUL AND THE BLOOD I BLEED.

the flies on your corpse will taste sour.

So what I've learned from this experience, besides the fact that I completely wasted three years of what was supposed to be the greatest years of my life, I've learned that only you can make you happy. Putting all of your hope and faith and love and blood and sweat and tears and money and possesions and entire soul into one human being means you're a fool. And I am indeed the biggest fool of all. I want to say if you love something let it go, but it's so far beyond that point. Chance after chance after chance just ended up being spit back into my face. And I feel like the biggest asshole of all time. But I guess out of every bad comes some good, and that's all I can hope for. Fingers crossed.

This is a new start of my life. I will keep these memories close to my heart, forever. I won't ever forget anything, although I would like to right now. I'm as bitter as bitter gets, but that doesn't mean I hate the world. I hope everyone who knows the true meaning of love finds who they were truly meant to be with, and I pray they never feel like I do now. My best advice: Don't ever rely on anyone else, because you'll just get your heart handed to you time after time covered in shit.

Oh. but wait. You forget things so fucking easily, so why should this even matter?

..this aquired taste is only a fad.
(you finish the rest.)

because I can't think of anything better.

If it makes you less sad I will die by your hand
I hope you find out what you want
I already know what I am.
And if it makes you less sad
We'll start talking again
And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am.

I'll grow old
And start acting my age
I'll be a brand new day
In a life that you hate.
A crown of gold
A heart that's harder than stone
And it hurts a whole lot
But it's missed when it's gone.

If it makes you less sad
I'll move out of the state
You can keep to yourself
I'll keep out of your way.
And if it makes you less sad
I'll take your pictures all down
Every picture you paint
I will paint myself out.

when we dance
like a bug in the brandy, baby
drunk on the candy of you
and i don't need to tell you i love you.
when we touch nothing in the world fills me this much.
melting away from the heat
then lay at your feet
yes, i love to.
when we kiss
i am certain no one else exists
kissing, you know what you do
and i don't need to tell you
i love you, baby.

Wonder why I question it now?
I'm my own planet.
Not many can experience this sensation.
Loneliness is creeping out, or in, however you think of it.
But it sure is surrounding me.
Maybe all the complaining is an accurance of boredom.
I suppose it’s too late.
I am floating farther and farther away.
I did love, I did laugh, I did live.
Now I’m my own planet.
A spaceman. They say I am a spaceman.
Planets everywhere... my own destiny.
I’m floating towards the sun.
The sun of nothing.
Nothing is here. Memories are not clear.
Floating to the sun farther away.
I can't believe that’s what it has come to.
I never really had it all that bad.
I just looked around and never thought about the blank stares.
They were looking into something much worse than what I thought I was.
Selfishness is a very sticky quality of this species.
Looking around... I don't see any faces.
Yes I am lonely. It’s to be expected.
I’ll sleep now.
Dream waves.