Fuckin' aliens.

Leia cooked for me tonight and a bunch of people took care of me, which was fucking awesome, because I obviously cannot do this by myself. I guess that makes me a puss. Whatever.


So let's talk about how super stoked I am to start my diet! I plan on losing 15 to 20 pounds, strictly veget-tables and chicken. Plus there is a 24 hour gym around here. Fuck yeah. I want to be a bagabones, that way i could wear a fucking trash bag and still look good. Pretty sad but that's my goal in life as of currently. To look sexy in a trash bag? Way to go Nikki.

OH! and dying my hair this color!



Probably a bad idea considering my hair just got healthy like two days ago. Fuck it. Hey, Bleach, you had me at "Hello".


The wind outside is ridic. Theres holes in two of my windows, and ironicly those widnows are smack dab right next to my bed. This should be a pleasent night. I also have no idea how to hook up my teevee, and the power is about to go out. AWESOME!

I'm torn between everything. I fucking hate this. The one thing that's keeping me remotely sane is thinking that maybe one day my life will sound like this song.



A SOLID SOUL AND THE BLOOD I BLEED.

the flies on your corpse will taste sour.

So what I've learned from this experience, besides the fact that I completely wasted three years of what was supposed to be the greatest years of my life, I've learned that only you can make you happy. Putting all of your hope and faith and love and blood and sweat and tears and money and possesions and entire soul into one human being means you're a fool. And I am indeed the biggest fool of all. I want to say if you love something let it go, but it's so far beyond that point. Chance after chance after chance just ended up being spit back into my face. And I feel like the biggest asshole of all time. But I guess out of every bad comes some good, and that's all I can hope for. Fingers crossed.

This is a new start of my life. I will keep these memories close to my heart, forever. I won't ever forget anything, although I would like to right now. I'm as bitter as bitter gets, but that doesn't mean I hate the world. I hope everyone who knows the true meaning of love finds who they were truly meant to be with, and I pray they never feel like I do now. My best advice: Don't ever rely on anyone else, because you'll just get your heart handed to you time after time covered in shit.

Oh. but wait. You forget things so fucking easily, so why should this even matter?

..this aquired taste is only a fad.
(you finish the rest.)

because I can't think of anything better.

If it makes you less sad I will die by your hand
I hope you find out what you want
I already know what I am.
And if it makes you less sad
We'll start talking again
And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am.

I'll grow old
And start acting my age
I'll be a brand new day
In a life that you hate.
A crown of gold
A heart that's harder than stone
And it hurts a whole lot
But it's missed when it's gone.

If it makes you less sad
I'll move out of the state
You can keep to yourself
I'll keep out of your way.
And if it makes you less sad
I'll take your pictures all down
Every picture you paint
I will paint myself out.

when we dance
like a bug in the brandy, baby
drunk on the candy of you
and i don't need to tell you i love you.
when we touch nothing in the world fills me this much.
melting away from the heat
then lay at your feet
yes, i love to.
when we kiss
i am certain no one else exists
kissing, you know what you do
and i don't need to tell you
i love you, baby.

Wonder why I question it now?
I'm my own planet.
Not many can experience this sensation.
Loneliness is creeping out, or in, however you think of it.
But it sure is surrounding me.
Maybe all the complaining is an accurance of boredom.
I suppose it’s too late.
I am floating farther and farther away.
I did love, I did laugh, I did live.
Now I’m my own planet.
A spaceman. They say I am a spaceman.
Planets everywhere... my own destiny.
I’m floating towards the sun.
The sun of nothing.
Nothing is here. Memories are not clear.
Floating to the sun farther away.
I can't believe that’s what it has come to.
I never really had it all that bad.
I just looked around and never thought about the blank stares.
They were looking into something much worse than what I thought I was.
Selfishness is a very sticky quality of this species.
Looking around... I don't see any faces.
Yes I am lonely. It’s to be expected.
I’ll sleep now.
Dream waves.

Merry Sexmas.

Christmas is always so depressing for my family, they drink themselves into oblivion and pretend to be happy, and it makes me want to massacre the world. I was glad to see my family last night but Christmas hasn't been the same since my Mimi and Papa passed away. At least we keep the traditons going strong, or attempt to. And I guess that's all that matters :)

My cousin Christine found this decoration that says "When All Else Fails, Ask Mimi." Now, I've never heard that phrase in my entire existance. She said a random magazine came in the mail and she found it in there. I swear on sweet baby kittins after she ordered it, it disappeared from the magazine. I don't believe in god or angels but there is definitly something out there that sent my coustin that magazine. It was amazing, and it made my mother very happy. Therefore, I am happy too <3.



Sigh. I miss my friends. I haven't seen anyone this week between the virus I got and being tied up with my family. Hopefully that changes tonight! I want to love on everyone, and I am going to. So prepare yourself, because the Japanther is out for blood. And I mean that in the best way possible, scouts honor. SO LAY IT ON ME MOTHERFUCKERS, I'M OUT IN 3 DAYS.

Don't cry I'll bring this home to you.

The first day I moved here, a total of 6 people told me that this town would change everything I ever thought I knew and everything I thought I was. I can feel it happening, but I don't think it's a bad thing. I feel more independant, I think I have more pride, and I'm almost confident in what I do. Somedays I feel the complete opposite. Yesterday I wanted to crawl into a hole and rot forever. I would have gave anything to be in New York, with my mom, and my brothers, and my animals, in my living room laying on the floor barefoot. I cant even walk around barefoot here without the risk of getting AIDS, it sucks. Somedays I feel inferior to everyone here. Somedays I want to shank bitches for being slutty. I don't care if you're a ho, but be a classy ho, PLEASE? Thanks.

5 days until home sweet home. I am going to tackle my mother to the ground and smother her with love. I miss my kitty, my bunnies, my puppies..MELVVYYY. I can't wait to eat homecooked meals and not microwavable meat or Banquet dinners. I can't wait to see MY LAURS SHRIMP TAMPORA babylove booberry sugapie honey buns. I miss John's songs, I miss Konstantines bow ties and contagious laugh, I miss Charies hamburgers and alchoholism, I miss Ralphs sincerirty. I miss everything.

I'm also torn to shit. Everyday I think about the people I met here so far, and how much I love them. Truly love them. Chris, Dick, Remi, Jake, Ashley. I wish I could take them everywhere with me, maybe pull a Jetsons and fold them up and stick them in my back pocket, just whip them out whenver I needed them. I just want to be with everyone I love all the time. If only it was that easy. I honestly don't know what I am going to do without these people when I graduate. New York brings out the worst in me, and these people bring out the best. I never want to leave them for good. No never never.

This past Friday there was a party at Robot house, where Dick, Remi, and Jake live. Towards the end of the night Chris and I decided to go back to Yellow house to eat. Jake followed. Said goodnight to Dick and Remi. We got back to house, and slowly but surley, Dick.. and then Remi, made their way up. I know it's lame but it was the best feeling ever. We always end up together. and I'm kind of in love with it.



I'm ranting horribly. I'm sorry. This is what Monessen does. Ohhhhh, Monessen.