I'm in love with a brick wall.

you'd think if someone loved you more than anyone else in the world they would stop doing the one thing that breaks your heart. the one thing that made you leave in the first place. yet it didn't phase you at all. how I felt one again didn't matter. not even the fact that I left made you second think it. you continue to push me farther and father into a shell of genuine shit. I hate myself and it has nothing to do with self esteem. no words can explain how I feel. not that it matters because you don't care. don't care don't care don't care. and that's what hurts the most.

This is fact not fiction, for the first time in years.

Fuckin' aliens.

Leia cooked for me tonight and a bunch of people took care of me, which was fucking awesome, because I obviously cannot do this by myself. I guess that makes me a puss. Whatever.


So let's talk about how super stoked I am to start my diet! I plan on losing 15 to 20 pounds, strictly veget-tables and chicken. Plus there is a 24 hour gym around here. Fuck yeah. I want to be a bagabones, that way i could wear a fucking trash bag and still look good. Pretty sad but that's my goal in life as of currently. To look sexy in a trash bag? Way to go Nikki.

OH! and dying my hair this color!



Probably a bad idea considering my hair just got healthy like two days ago. Fuck it. Hey, Bleach, you had me at "Hello".


The wind outside is ridic. Theres holes in two of my windows, and ironicly those widnows are smack dab right next to my bed. This should be a pleasent night. I also have no idea how to hook up my teevee, and the power is about to go out. AWESOME!

I'm torn between everything. I fucking hate this. The one thing that's keeping me remotely sane is thinking that maybe one day my life will sound like this song.



A SOLID SOUL AND THE BLOOD I BLEED.

the flies on your corpse will taste sour.

So what I've learned from this experience, besides the fact that I completely wasted three years of what was supposed to be the greatest years of my life, I've learned that only you can make you happy. Putting all of your hope and faith and love and blood and sweat and tears and money and possesions and entire soul into one human being means you're a fool. And I am indeed the biggest fool of all. I want to say if you love something let it go, but it's so far beyond that point. Chance after chance after chance just ended up being spit back into my face. And I feel like the biggest asshole of all time. But I guess out of every bad comes some good, and that's all I can hope for. Fingers crossed.

This is a new start of my life. I will keep these memories close to my heart, forever. I won't ever forget anything, although I would like to right now. I'm as bitter as bitter gets, but that doesn't mean I hate the world. I hope everyone who knows the true meaning of love finds who they were truly meant to be with, and I pray they never feel like I do now. My best advice: Don't ever rely on anyone else, because you'll just get your heart handed to you time after time covered in shit.

Oh. but wait. You forget things so fucking easily, so why should this even matter?

..this aquired taste is only a fad.
(you finish the rest.)